March 22nd, 2005

The day you finally told me

You blush as though I have given you a compliment.

Maybe it was the way I had said it.  I had let the insult roll in my tongue instead of slapping it in his face.

You fell in love?

I’d teach you how to fall.

Right here.

27 stories high.

Your fault.
Currently feeling: jealous
Posted by dragons at 09:49 AM | reactions?

Warning may contain peanuts

If you sit there long enough, maybe the world will end. 

Maybe the polar caps will melt and you will die because you don’t know how to swim.

Just maybe.

You talk and I watch your mouth open and close, forming words that don’t mean anything to someone who still loves you.

You think that if you talk long enough my memory of you will disappear and you can leave without a trace.

Your words get no tears. 

I refuse yours.

When you finish, you stand up, you leave your oreo flavored sundae

And me. 

Forgotten.
Currently feeling: angry
Posted by dragons at 09:47 AM | reactions?

crying

i had a dream that i wasnt with you. i was in high school and it was our fieldtrip.

my friends and i we were going to the ocean.

i spurned a suitor who was old and fat and ugly. then he made the ocean into a classroom but the floor was still flooded but i couldn't go down.

i was on top of the ocean but i couldn't swim. couldn't feel the cold on my face.

then i imagined how it would have felt if my dad had died and i cried.

i didn't cry like a baby.

i cried like my chest would burst had i taken a single breath. i cried like the tears that formed in my eyes were rocks instead of water.

then i woke up.

i turned to you to tell you about my dream. tears still flowing from my eyes.

then i realized a part of my dream was true.
Currently feeling: numb
Posted by dragons at 06:44 AM | reactions?

March 21st, 2005

unrequited

i stole my idea of a perfect woman
from you.
i took the color of her eyes and made
mine the exact same shade. i changed my features
to match her pictures in your mind.
a lock of her hair for my own strands to copy.
and
when you weren't
looking
i took her breath.
why
won't
you let me

take her

place.

Currently feeling: depressed
Posted by dragons at 06:34 PM | reactions?

birthday

1:00 pm

I was all alone again.

I sat down in the middle of the room and laid my arsenal around me in a circle.

I placed the gun at the north, the pills to the east, the knife to the south and the poison to the west.

I had to consider this very carefully.

They all have their advantages and disadvantages. Except for the gun, the other 3 did not have a 100% success rate. I personally did not want to wake up in the hospital feeling like a wreck.

Not like the last time...

2:00 pm

Still no decision but I lay plastic wrap all around me.

I didn't want to make a mess.

The memories came flooding back. It occurred to me that I may have been going to fast that night. So was the drunk driver who hit me, though he shouldn't even be on the road that night.
I didn't see him at all.

I just wanted to go home.

When I woke up, I felt nothing.

Sure my body hurt. I couldn't move at all without feeling pain. I had bandages covering my face, arms and most of my body but my skin didn't hurt.

I couldn't even feel my skin.

That's the problem with burns. You want them to hurt. The more it hurts the lesser the damage, the faster it gets better.

Third degree burns don't hurt because there's nothing left on your skin to feel the pain. No nerves, sometimes even no muscle.

I never knew how vain I was till that day. I never realized how I appreciated my looks, even though I wasn't a stunning beauty or anything. I always said I didn't wear makeup or style my hair because I didn't care about how I looked.

I was wrong.

I also knew we had no money.

No money for miracles. We only had money to save my life.

3:00 pm

All this thinking (and crying) made me hungry. I got up and microwaved some left over pizza I found in the refrigerator.

My last meal: leftover bacon and cheeseburger pizza. I was grumpy. I didn't even bother to get my favorite pizza for my last meal?

I pull out my notebook and start on the first draft of my suicide note.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm sorry and I love you.

I tear the page off and start a new one.

I tried using a tape recorder once.

I poured my heart out into it. I cried, I explained to them why I was leaving, why everything didn't matter anymore and why my cousins shouldn't get all my stuff. I probably would have sang if I found a minus one tape... Or a tape recorder that can handle the task.

I made the mistake of listening to it.

I destroyed the tape ( nobody must hear it again), threw it away and hid the tape recorder to prevent me from making another disaster of a suicide note.

The first draft of my suicide note came out fine. A 78 word autobiography.

My life and death in 78 words.

Hmmm.

I write it down again slowly on a clean sheet of paper. When you're dead you can't tell people that the word you wrote was message and not massage.

4:00 pm

Finished the letter. Still deciding on how to go.

I go through the items in my circle again, weighing each one on efficiency, swiftness, pain level, and messiness.

I lay down on my back and close my eyes to think better and fell asleep on the floor.

5:00 pm

The door opens and he comes in.

he wakes me up with a kiss.

A kiss that hasn't changed for 5 years, even after the accident.

I wake up and look at myself.

My hair was a mess and I tried to smoothen it out with my hand.

His eyes are the only mirrors I allowed in the house.

He smiles. "Time's up."

I nodded.

"Was it the note?"

I shook my head.

"I mean last year with the tape recorder..."

I hand him my handwritten letter.

"You fell asleep didn't you?" he read the lines. "I told you it was a hard decision."

"I wanted to jump but nobody dies from jumping from the ground floor."

"Find a building then." He hands me back my letter and opens up the bag he was holding.

"I have tequila and Pringles. Let's celebrate"

We started cleaning up: I folded the plastic wrap and he took the bullets off the gun.
I took the pills to the bathroom and returned the knife in the kitchen. He was hiding the poison inside the toolbox.

"You know, I think your poison has a best before date."

"I know, I haven't used it since college."

I sat down with the iodized salt and kalamansi slices. He gave me my first shot.

"Are you doing this again?"

"Maybe next year."
Currently feeling: melancholy
Posted by dragons at 06:32 PM | reactions?
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